R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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