Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Randomize
