I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
