Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
