at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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