i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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