The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I forget how to act sober
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize