If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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