These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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