My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i drank out of a bidet.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
