My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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