Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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