Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
