Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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