We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
