I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
