was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
