I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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