At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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