I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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