This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
