Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
