Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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