Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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