Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
