Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
