We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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