we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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