a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
