I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Is Oprah even human
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
