but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
