seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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