You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
and you said cock pushups were impossible
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
