I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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