Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
