Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
