I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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