i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
