it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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