At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
