FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
