so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
