I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
