You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
