after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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