If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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