I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
