literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
