U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
