I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
