Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
