SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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