it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
