i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
