The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
