Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I won the penis lottery.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
