Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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