watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
