my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
