Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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