hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
