woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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